


then you should have

by MissjuliaMiriam



Series: Garrett Hawke [7]
Category: Dragon Age II
Genre: (for once), (sort of), Light Angst, M/M, Schmoop, Truth or Dare, Virginity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-22
Updated: 2016-01-22
Packaged: 2018-05-15 11:56:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5784460
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissjuliaMiriam/pseuds/MissjuliaMiriam
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There's something about that first night that Fenris doesn't know.</p>
            </blockquote>





	then you should have

**Author's Note:**

> Reminder as always that my Garrett is super anxious about basically everything all the time - he's having an okay day in this one, but as we all know, one's anxiety disorder doesn't just go away entirely, especially when dealing with Feelings.
> 
> It's okay, though: he and Fenris are being kind of ridiculously fluffy in this one. I don't know if it's up to par with my usual dose of angst, but I tried. Anyway. This is set mid Act III-ish. I guess.
> 
> Also, this is for the "loss of innocence" square on my Trope Bingo card, which you can find [here](http://trope-bingo.dreamwidth.org/173070.html?thread=1663502) if you want a bit of a preview of some of the stuff I'm going to be producing in the next couple of months. I have absolutely no plan whatsoever at this point but this fic just sort of happened so I thought I'd throw it in.
> 
> ETA Feb 3, 2016: For some reason this fic posted twice! I deleted the other version - they were identical - by accident; it had more kudos and someone had bookmarked it. If that was your bookmark, I'm so sorry, I meant to delete this version. Anyway, if you left kudos before and are rereading and no longer see your mark, that's why. I don't know what happened, and I just noticed, which, woops, maybe should have caught on a bit sooner. Sorry again!

****It's honestly one of the more ridiculous things Varric has ever come up with. He had decided that they needed some "variety", and with Isabela in Kirkwall briefly, of course strip Wicked Grace had come up. However, with more than half of the table highly reluctant to take off their clothes, that had been shot down. And then Varric had suggested that they should play for truths - lose a hand where you're "in" and answer a question from someone else at the table. When Anders had demanded that there be a potential out if a question was too personal, they had agreed with if you could get a majority of the rest of the table to agree that the asker had gone too far, you could get a new question.

Not, of course, that that's happened yet.

The game has so far been going well, if predictably: Merrill and Anders are losing terribly; Garrett, Aveline, and Sebastian are holding their own; and Fenris, Isabela, and Varric have only had to answer a few questions each. Mostly Isabela is asking, because she is an endless fountain of curiosity about other people's sexual exploits, and her questions are all about sex. Varric has the occasional sly question about this or that embarrassing story. Merrill sometimes has a charming query about this or that _non-_ embarrassing story.

And then Garrett loses a hand (the _one time_ Varric wasn't bluffing, Maker take him) and Isabela pipes up with, "So, Hawke. How did you lose your virginity?"

Garrett is surprised, honestly, that that hadn't been very very first question. He still wishes desperately that she hadn't asked. He swallows, and says, "Any chance you all want to let me off on this one?"

"The only reason you'd have a really embarrassing answer to that is if you _hadn't_ lost your virginity, and we all know you have," Varric says, with a meaningful look at Fenris. Garrett wishes the dwarf was not about to find out how meaningful.

"Right," Garrett says. He glances at Fenris himself, and sees that his lover is watching him curiously. "I, ah - it was. I... really don't want to answer this. It's just, well, I... felt strongly about it, and..."

"Saving yourself, Hawke? I'm surprised," Anders says, leaning back in his seat.

Garrett shrugs, uncomfortable. "I was... awkward, as a teenager. I could never get comfortable enough with anyone to get past kissing, and the complete lack of interest in women combined with the constant moving around and the small towns... Well, you can imagine."

"You're stalling," Isabela points out. "Just answer the question! I'm sure you managed to get it up for some Ferelden farmboy eventually."

"Yeah, I mean, it's not like Fenris was your first," Varric says. Garrett knows he's just trying to be kind. It doesn't work. He tries not to flush, tries to stop himself from looking down into his drink and wringing his hands in his lap, but he can't. He can't help it, and within seconds the entire table is staring at him.

"Garrett..." Fenris says.

Garrett shrugs, feeling deeply discomfited. "Like I said. I was awkward as a teenager."

"Oh, but that's so romantic!" Merrill says, and when Garrett looks up at her she has her hands clasped in front of her chest in delight. A scan of the rest of the table shows mostly incredulousness, but there's something deeper than that on Fenris's face.

"I didn't know," Fenris says, quietly. "You... you never said."

"No, but-- but it's okay," Garrett says. "Really."

"You were saving yourself, and you gave it away to _Fenris_?" Anders scoffs. "Hawke, there are a thousand men who could have treated you better."

"I didn't want a thousand men," Garrett says. "I wanted Fenris. I still want Fenris, in fact - not that that is the purpose of this conversation."

"This conversation is also _over_ ," Fenris says, abruptly. He rises from the table, grabs Garrett's coat and staff, and tells him, "We're going home."

Garrett bites his lip. "Okay, love." He looks at the others, bids everyone goodnight, and then follows Fenris out of the room, ignoring Isabela's coughed "whipped" and Anders's scowl. They're silent most of the way out of the Hanged Man and back to Hightown, until Fenris simply stops in the middle of the street and turns to Garrett.

"Why didn't you tell me?" he asks simply. "I... would have liked to know."

Garrett shrugs again. "What difference would it have made?"

Fenris looks away.

"That's what I thought," Garrett says. "And that's how it should be. I wouldn't have wanted you to force yourself to stay with me, to _change_ yourself, just to please me."

"I still would have liked to know," Fenris says. "My own first time was less than pleasant. As you know."

"And mine was very pleasant!" Garrett says. "It wasn't a _problem_ , Fenris, it still isn't. My own stupid--"

"Nothing about you is stupid," Fenris says fiercely.

"You know that's not true," Garrett snorts. "There are plenty of thing about me that are stupid. Including my eternal clinging to my own romantic notions. You are everything I have ever wanted, Fenris; it doesn't matter that... that this one thing was..."

"It clearly does matter," Fenris says, more gentle now. He comes forward to wraps his hands around Garrett's wrists, stopping him from wringing his hands. "You can barely speak of it, Garrett."

Garrett just shakes his head. Fenris sighs, and all Garrett can hear is his disappointment; he directs his gaze to the ground and doesn't look up again until they've reached the manor, and Garrett has to find his keys. Orana is wiping an urn in the front hall when they come in, and she greets them quietly, waiting until Garrett has nodded at her to go back to her work. Garrett and Fenris go upstairs, and Garrett makes his way silently through his bedtime rituals, washing his face and changing into sleeping pants, and then slipping into bed. It isn't until Fenris slides in on the other side of the bed that Garrett realizes that they've gone through the quiet dance that they both have learned since they got back together, and it warms him slightly, just enough to unlock the ice that holds his limbs in place. He turns, and meets Fenris's sage green gaze.

"I'm sorry," Fenris says quietly. "I truly do wish I had known, Garrett. Even if it hadn't changed anything... I could at least have kept you from being humiliated tonight."

"It's okay," Garrett says, and leans forward to accept Fenris's kiss. "I love you. I'm glad it was you. I... I can't say it didn't hurt at the time, but it's better now."

"You gave me a gift and I did not know to value it," Fenris murmurs, close now, sharing breath in the sliver of space between them.

"It's okay."

"I know now."

"You do." Garrett kisses Fenris again, sweetly, and pulls him close, relaxing into the pillows. "I'm glad it means something to you. Plenty of people don't care. I assumed you were one of them."

Fenris shakes his head. "My own innocence was lost long ago, but that doesn't mean I don't understand innocence's value, or why it is that you care about it. You were never _able_ to be with someone before me - I can see that. I know you; I know the way you are. It means the world that you were comfortable enough with me to give yourself over in that way. Especially since it was a night that bore surprises for both of us."

Garrett chuckles quietly, remembering his surprise when he had first tried to get his hands under Fenris's clothes and Fenris had stopped him and explained about his body. He'd been unsure, for a moment, that he would be able to go through with it, but he loved Fenris even then, and had told him plainly that he had only ever been attracted to men, and that that hadn't changed. Fenris had demonstrated his pleasure with that statement quite thoroughly before the end of the night.

"It was a good night," Garrett says. "I'm glad it happened, even if what came after wasn't what I had hoped for."

"What had you hoped for?" Fenris asks. "Candlelight and roses?"

Garrett shrugs, suddenly self-conscious again. "Not as such. Just... someone who loved me, who I loved, who I could lie with afterward and kiss as much as I wanted. Who I knew--" He stops, and clears his throat. Then he continues, more quietly, "Who I knew would never leave me. Someone with whom I could feel safe and certain."

"... I'm sorry, Garrett."

"I forgive you," Garrett says. "You... left, yes. But I forgive you for that, and all the rest applies. I'll love you forever, Fenris; my feelings never waned even when we were apart. If you can say the same now, that is enough."

"I will love you forever," Fenris promises, his voice gone rough with suppressed emotion. "I will never leave you again, not so long as we live."

Garrett smiles, presses his forehead to Fenris's. "That is enough."

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos are welcome as always! Come find me on tumblr (@motherfuckingnazgul) if you would like to cry with me about Dragon Gays - that is, I mean, uh, Dragon Age.


End file.
